The Paradox of Change (A Poem)
And I still keep on searching for happiness somewhere, anywhere, with anyone, by doing something or avoiding everything.
I change who I am repeatedly until I no longer recognize myself.
I eat uncontrollably because the “satisfaction” compensates my pain.
I drink to control the conversations going on in my mind.
I trade my precious hours for an office, title, or salary.
I learn to mask my authenticity behind the car that I drive, the clothes that I wear and the makeup that hides my imperfections.
I choose my circle of friends based on the probability that I can fit in and feel loved.
I join movements to feel that I belong and am part of something larger than me.
I leave and settle in new environments hoping to forget.
I bury my dreams deep within until I no longer remember they exist.
I ignore the fire burning inside my soul, waiting to expand.
Reminding me that I am not who I believe I am.
I feel the urge to speak the truth, but as I open my mouth, I first check with my mind and polish the words accordingly.
I get frustrated because people don’t seem to understand my point of view.
I sacrifice my needs to help others save themselves.
I witness the train of time passing daily, and although I want to hop on and explore its itinerary, I wait for the next one.
After all, I have unlimited chances to put things off. There is still so much to resolve.
I compromise my wishes so to meet loved ones’ expectations half way.
I send my kids to school with hopes that teachers will prepare them for life’s challenges.
I neglect my relationship because heartbreaks are inevitable.
I make an extraordinary effort to get along with my parents, hoping to receive their praise.
I revise and continue to modify myself to fit the mold of what is socially acceptable.
Someday, I tell myself, I can feel alive and experience the life of my dreams.
The dreams I nourished as a child and stored in my haven. Hoping and wishing that someday I could give them life. Yet the path seems so far off from my current circumstances.
So instead I try, I try so hard to find elsewhere the vibe. A thrill, that feels so good but leaves so quickly. The butterflies I felt as a child while exploring the magical realms of my imagination.
Thus, I continue to forget where this feeling initially came from and my ability to reaccess it anytime I wish.
As a result, I overlook the unshakeable balance that my inner peace supports.
The daily unparallel impact that I make on my loved ones’ lives.
The sense of security and protection that only I can give to my parents.
The amount of strength and attention that I offer my spouse.
The life lessons and human experiences that I share with my children.
The essential acts of kindness I do for my loved ones.
Because I fear that there is not enough time within this lifetime to do the things I’m passionate about with the people I love.
Until I finally get it and, with conviction, I say, “Enough is enough!”
I take a leap of faith and follow my instincts’ command.
I choose to listen to my heart’s desires. It is aching to feel again!
I choose to walk in someone else’s shoes so that I can evaluate the depth of their pain.
I choose to listen not only to their words but the pause between each interaction.
I choose to utilize the calming effects of my voice whenever necessary.
And as I explore this advanced level of empathy, I suddenly notice who I really am.
The unwavering confidence that my inner drive produces.
The flood of ideas that my imagination creates.
The sanctuaries that I built everywhere I settled.
The lives I have touched along my journey.
The amazing friends I have met and cherished.
The rare beauty that I emanate from within.
The extraordinary work that my vision constructs.
The inspiring thoughts traveling through my mind.
The stamina and vitality that my body offers.
The definition and solidity that my presence projects.
So I stop searching for happiness and instead embrace the most powerful gift that I possess: a precious quality that I don’t need to earn, chase, crave, force or ignore because I am its purest expression.
And when I do all things with love, I can’t help but feel loved.