My heart was broken, shattered into pieces I thought I could never put back together. After 18 years of marriage, my relationship with a man I had spent 21 years of my life with was over. Papers filed, divorce signed off on, I moved out of the home I had shared with my ex for the 9.5 years we’d lived in Boise.
I stood in my new house—closed upon just a mere 3 days prior—and looked around. My wonderful friends had helped me move, ensuring my relative peace and safety. But now I was alone. For the first time in my entire life, I was really and truly alone.
I didn’t cry. I was still too ticked off at my ex for our morning argument over who got the flatware. It was eerily silent and still. No TV blaring (he kept that). No one talking. Only the sound of my breathing. I was numb and it was time to face reality.
I was nearly 40 and had recently re-broken my heel (twice in one year). I was newly single and utterly lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was free, but felt misplaced.
I sat on my couch and journaled my ramblings.
It’s Friday the 23rd. My heel is broken, my period is starting. I am cramping, frustrated, and wondering the lesson in all of this. I have so much to do, but all I want to do is sleep and rest and read novels in my new house on my couch. I hope the Aleve kicks in soon. I know I need to do some serious introspection and clearing because I don’t get what’s going on here. Goddess, what do I need to do to heal?
I heard a voice inside me say, “Rest and let things happen and unfold. Don’t force or rush.”
Of course, I didn’t want to hear that, so I promptly ignored my asked-for advice.
Two and a half months later, my doctor fired me. I wasn’t healing—head or heart. I was stuck in a rut, a “comfort zone” that was keeping me from moving forward.
My doctor sent me to a specialist who put me in a cast, making me even more immobile, forcing me to rest more and allow myself to heal. I still fought it until, finally, the weather forced me to stay inside and rest. (Snow and crutches don’t mix.)
Three months into my journey to heal my heart and heel, the Universe took pity on me and sent me a friend.
He told me: “To truly ignite your passion, you have to be willing to take a risk. Be it emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical. By opening yourself up to a new experience, you will find yourself.”
He was right.
He made me realize that I couldn’t hide inside forever. That my “safety net,” my “comfort zone” was what was holding me back.
So I opened up my heart and allowed the world in. I got real, vulnerable. I put it all out there for the world to see.
And you know what happened? I started healing—body, mind, and spirit. By Christmas, I was out of my cast and in a walking boot. By the end of January, I was out of the boot and in walking shoes. Six weeks later, I got cleared to run for the first time in a year and a half.
And as I healed my body, I began to heal my mind—to look deep at old wounds. I realized that I had an eating disorder and had been in denial for 23 years. That was ironic, since as I am a Psychology professor and disordered eating behaviors/attitudes are my research area. Sometimes we really can’t see what’s looking back at us in the mirror.
So, I began to heal my eating disorder. And as I healed my disordered thoughts and behaviors, I opened my heart a little more.
And I discovered that the reason I had kept my heart walled off for all of those years was fear of getting hurt. If I don’t let you in, you can’t hurt me. No wonder my ex-husband was so exasperated with me!
So I opened my heart up a little more, got a little more vulnerable. Got hurt. Got hurt again. Cried until it seemed my tear ducts were dry.
But all through that, I kept my heart open. Yes, it hurt. Living heart-open is always a risk, but it’s a risk I am now willing to take.
I go back to what my friend told me.
To truly ignite your passion, you have to be willing to take a risk. Be it emotional, spiritual, mental, or physical. By opening yourself up to a new experience, you will find yourself.
When I opened my heart, I found my passion.
When I opened my heart, the Universe stopped sending Cosmic 2x4s my way and replaced them with gentle nudges to keep me on my path and stay true to myself.
When I opened my heart, I learned how to love—even, and most especially, myself.
When I opened my heart, I healed—mind, body, and spirit.
When I opened my heart, I found myself.
I call 2013 the best worst year of my life. I thought I would never be able to put my heart back together after my divorce. But what I realized is that I had to let go of the pieces that no longer served me in order to rebuild my heart and make it strong, healthy, and whole.